It was 3am and I was sitting feeding my baby, crying, so exhausted feeling like my own bedroom was a torture chamber. I was so tempted to put a pillow over my husbands head… how dare he be sleeping when I couldn’t, I was angry at him that he couldn’t help. Why had I chosen to breastfeed? I needed to give up. I needed to be able to hand her over and make sure someone else could feed her and she was getting enough. Surely I wasn’t giving her enough when she feed this often?
People that breastfed didn’t feel tortured like this, did they? I can’t be doing it right. She finished her feed, big plump cheeks dropped away, gorgeous face blissfully resting, milk drunk, so I lay her in her crib and got back into bed with my salty damp cheeks and fell asleep. 45mins later she woke again crying.
I look back on that time twelve years ago and can feel every emotion still. It was brutal.
I was a young mum, desperate to do everything ‘right’. I’ve since learnt it doesn’t matter if you’re 21 or 41 we are all desperate for that for some reason. What is ‘right’ is what is ‘right’ for you. Get off that self doubt train. That- ‘society says it should look like this’ mantra needs to be burnt out of your brain.
You do you.
A few days after the night above I was so exhausted I ‘gave up’. I went into survival mode and followed my instincts.
I had been fighting them. I couldn’t surrender.
I wouldn’t co-sleep, I’d be getting it all ‘wrong’ and would create ‘bad habits’, wouldn’t I?
Or would I? How was it wrong if we both slept?
Suddenly it was so much easier, I could lift her out, feed while lying on my side and fall back to sleep.
We both SLEPT
We were both SO much happier
The ‘right’ way to do it, is your way
Don’t doubt it
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